


Slow-Beating Heart

by StrongerThanAnySword



Category: Captive Prince - C. S. Pacat
Genre: Apologies, Love, M/M, Mention of noncon, Remorse, gentle kisses, mention of dubcon, mention of rape, mention of underage, protective Damen, tender touches
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-05-30 06:26:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6412624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StrongerThanAnySword/pseuds/StrongerThanAnySword
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>*SPOILERS*</p><p>After the events of _Kings Rising_, Laurent and Damen are safe from all who sought to bring them harm, and Damen heals in the palace they have won back.  All is well, or should be, but Damen carries a deep guilt, and he is finding it very difficult to hide it from Laurent...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Slow-Beating Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [catwalkninja](https://archiveofourown.org/users/catwalkninja/gifts).



> For catwalkninja, who introduced me to this horrible series. I finished all 3 books in like 5 days. :) You suck, lady. Feel better soon! <3

It had been four days since the trial.

 

Four days since Damen had seen Laurent stand in front of the courts, exposed as emotionally as he was physically; four days since Damen's heart had almost rent itself in two at the thought of Laurent being killed, all for him; four days since the fight in the baths, Damen's heart in his throat even as it pumped his blood onto the floor.  

 

As horrible as that had felt, healing was its own kind of bitch.  Not only did his abdomen ache, protesting every time he shifted in an angry flare of pain, but everyone was  _fussing_ over him.  He didn't mind Laurent too terribly, but it was getting a bit ridiculous.

 

A major upside to being King was that people (mostly) had to listen to you.  Paschal, of course, did not, but he was a physician and not quite bound to the same laws as everyone else; Laurent, as a fellow ruler (and Damen's lover), had flat-out demanded that his healer be allowed to nurse the King of Akielos back to health.  When Damen thought of the scene he had caused--Laurent pointing out that most of the palace staff had been killed within the last year in bloody coup, frustratedly arguing that Paschal would work until he dropped in order to help Damen, despite their nations' historically unhappy relationship, and at last damn near stamping his foot as he shouted  _"and that is **final** ,"_ successfully closing the argument with none of the flourish and grace Damen had come to know of him--he had to fight smiles and laughter.  Laurent blushed prettily when that happened, seeming to know what it was that made Damen chuckle, though the coloration might have been partly out of anger that Damen was jostling the injury.

 

In any case, both Damen and Laurent were the rulers of their nations (the Council being somewhat disbanded, some of them awaiting trial), and if Damen in his injured state bellowed that Paschal was  _not_ allowed to bar his loved ones from him and to fucking let Nikandros  _in_ for Heaven's sake, there were important matters of state to discuss, then really, what was to keep Laurent from his side?  Damen was pleased by the outcome (not by the early changing of his bandages, necessitated by his shouting jostling the wound  _again_ ), as it meant that Nikandros was able to completely be his second-in-command, ferrying him news and asking questions that only Damen could answer, otherwise taking care of the capitol and the nation as surely as he had taken care of Delpha as the Kyros there.  Nikandros, who had stuck by him through it all, his best friend, his heart's brother, proved invaluable time and time again, to the point where Damen simply gave up being frustrated that he couldn't run things himself.  Nikandros had the Akielos's--and above all, Damen's--best interests at heart, and knowing that he was in charge helped put Damen at ease.  As a downside, Nikandros was currently In Charge, and he made sure to keep the healing ward clear of everyone who was not needed, muttering something that sounded like "-kill yourself before you're even crowned, Exalted" when Damen objected.

 

If Laurent had not been there, he would have gone positively mad.

 

Laurent, though visiting royalty, did not have a lot of power in Akielos (which, Laurent himself pointed out, was understandable), and he did not seem to mind.  He hardly left Damen's bedside, ice blue eyes melted and warm like the sea when he gazed at Damen, telling him stories about his occasional explorations of the palace, about his plans as soon as he was crowned King, about the men and how  _well_ they got along with the Damen's people, a private joke shining in those same eyes.  And while Damen felt like he couldn't breathe when Laurent was out of his sight, while he was there something new settled into his chest, something dark and barbed.  Something that made him wish that Laurent's eyes didn't shine so when he looked at him.

 

It was the fourth day since the trial, and Damen couldn't take it any longer.

 

"Why?" he blurted, interrupting Laurent's cheerful chatter about the hanging plants in some of the palace balconies.

 

"Why?"  Laurent's blue eyes blinked at him blankly, a small smile tugging up at his lips even as he swallowed, something clouding his eyes.  "Why what?  We simply do not have them in Vere-"

 

"No," Damen said, looking down and away, his hands slowly shifting from his sides to fist in the sheets on his lap.  "Why...Laurent, why are you here?"  

 

He plowed on through the stunned, hurt silence, knowing he was saying all the wrong things but unable to stop.  "Why are you still here, Laurent, after everything I am responsible for?"

 

He heard Laurent take a shaking, careful breath.  "I am going to...to fetch Paschal...I think your wound may be infect-"

 

" ** _NO!"_**

 

Damen hadn't meant to shout and he knew how he must look and sound to Laurent, but when he looked up again at Laurent who was pale, shaking as his inhale had been, blue eyes wide and hurt, he couldn't stop.  "My wound is not  _infected,_ Laurent!"

 

"Why are you shouting at me?!"  Laurent stood abruptly, and if Damen hadn't known him the way he did, he would have mistaken the facade for actual anger.  "What are you talking about, Damen, you make no sense!  I have to fetch Paschal-"

 

" _He was so lonely after his brother died,"_ Damen spat, and Laurent flinched when the words hit him, going still.  "Laurent, I drove you to-"

 

"To what?!"  Laurent's face, usually a porcelain mask, was shattered now, eyes glittering suspiciously.  "Say it!  To what?!"

 

"To let him hurt you!"

 

Laurent lapsed into stunned silence, clearly having expected some other words, some condemnation from Damen's lips.

 

"What are you saying."  It wasn't a question.  His voice was dull and cracked slightly.  He blinked as if to hold back tears.  Damen's heart throbbed in response.

 

"I'm saying--."  Damen swallowed thickly and looked down again, his guts twisting, ashamed for the blood on his hands.  Ashamed for a hundred little moments over the last few months where he had assumed Laurent cruel or cold, not knowing the battles he was fighting.  Ashamed for his part in Laurent's pain.  Ashamed for everything.

 

 _Laurent gazing at him in the moonlight on the field at Marlas, hatred in his eyes.  "Like I knew what to do?"  D_ a _men throwing his words back at him like sharpened throwing knives, watching them hit their target, making him flinch: "Like you knew what you were used to."  Laurent swaying on his feet, Damen's confusion that such simple words should cause such a reaction..._

 

_"Oh, stand down. You were too drunk to know your own name, let alone who you were with or what you were doing. Do you really think I’d take advantage of you in that condition?"  Damen's heart aching, hurt, and Laurent staring, shuffling slightly.  The awkward "No, I don’t think you would," as if he hadn't thought of it before, not out of ignorance but out of fear, and after having demanded answers in a tone half angry and half afraid..._

 

_"When you lost your brother, was there someone to comfort you?"  Laurent's "Yes," as if he couldn't say no but didn't want to think of it.  "Then I’m glad...I’m glad you weren’t alone."  The way that Laurent pushed away from him, sitting up, shoving the heels of his hands into his eyes as if to grind them away..._

 

_Laurent standing in the dark, illuminated by candlelight, looking so terribly nervous as if he would certainly misstep, commanding Damen in a voice that was meek and almost afraid, looking awed when Damen obeyed anyway.  Laurent begging in words meant to be commands that Damen press against the wall, anchor his hands there, that he not be touched, and Damen doing all thinking only of how the fire in his stomach jumped and roiled at the commands, at the way that Laurent practically fell to his knees in front of him.  Laurent swallowing, not as if he wanted to but as if he had been coached to do it, standing and practically retreating to the other side of the room, watching Damen warily, as if Damen might turn into a great beast in front of Laurent's very eyes.  Laurent, pressing the back of his hand to his mouth, as if disgusted or uncertain or ashamed.  Laurent, confused by his own arousal afterward, as if an act as incredible , as wonderful as that was not supposed to inspire such feelings in him.  Laurent, tense, begging for Damen to show him what could have been, if things were different.  Laurent trembling, skin shuddering under Damen's patient and loving touch.  Laurent, jumping in shock at the gentlest kiss Damen could bestow upon his lips, again as if disgusted or ashamed of himself, shying away..._

 

_Laurent, cleaning Damen up immediately after they were finished, as if trained to do so._

 

"I am saying that if I hadn't slain...if I hadn't taken him from you..." Damen's forehead creased.  He struggled to find words that would convey his meaning, his precise feelings, without instilling or implying blame or judgement upon Laurent.  "...You would not have been unprotected.  You would have been safe.  You wouldn't have had to... _he_ would never have..."

 

"Don't be an idiot."

 

Damen had expected tears, condemnations, shouting, but he had  _not_ expected that sharp tone of voice.  He slowly raised his warm brown eyes to meet Laurent's now-cold blue ones.

 

Laurent stood.

 

"Damen."  Laurent stepped out from where he had been sitting and began to pace, from his place at Damen's side to the end of the bed and back.  One hand massaged his temple and the other curled into a fist behind his back.  "You cannot be serious."

 

"Yes, I can!"  Damen paused and frowned, watching Laurent's pacing.  "...What is it?"

 

"What is it!"  Laurent threw up his hands and whirled around to face Damen, fair glaring at him.  If his eyes were glinting a little wetly again, he didn't give Damen a chance to bring it up.  "You idiot.  You complete and utter idiot."  He stalked to Damen's bedside, and suddenly he looked like the predator that Damen had thought of him as from the minute they had met, regaining the fear of Laurent he hadn't felt in a long time.

 

Laurent cuffed him upside the head.

 

It wasn't vicious and it didn't twinge his side (overmuch), but it was definitely a surprise, and Damen's jaw dropped.  Laurent stared back, a facade of calm on his features, eyes fierce.

 

"You are not allowed to blame yourself for the way I was treated."

 

"But-"

 

" _You are not allowed to blame yourself for what he did."_  Laurent's stare turned colder, freezing him like ice where he sat, hypnotizing Damen to his seat.  Damen suddenly had a feeling that he had made a grave misstep.  Laurent sat heavily and let his shoulders slump, and the feeling spiked harshly into Damen's throat.  Laurent's eyes never left his.

 

"I cannot...I cannot easily face...what happened that day.  What happened on that field changed the course of my life forever.  You took from me my brother, my friend, and my closest family.  You erased him from the world and there is no way for you to bring him back."

 

Every word drove a potent mixture of pain and despair down Damen's throat and into his chest.  "Laurent, I can never-"

 

 **"That doesn't mean,"** Laurent cut in, "that it was entirely your fault."  For a moment, his eyes seemed kind.  "Damen...Damianos of Akielos.  You are so very, very concerned about me, and that is...sweet.  It is undeserved, considering of all I have put you through, and yet I do deserve your consideration for the reason you give."  Laurent sat back slowly and laced his fingers in his lap, frowning.  "I have done some things in my life that I am not proud of.  You saw me at the court in Vere.  I learned manipulation at a very young age, and I practiced it to survive.  I was also quite good at it.  It was good to have something to be good at."  Laurent's frown grew more pronounced.  "In addition to all I did before you arrived, I committed a number of crimes against you that I cannot erase, no matter how I wish I could."  He forced a smile.  "Does that sound familiar?"

 

"I do not understand," Damen admitted slowly.  Laurent chuckled at that, mirthless.

 

"You learned a skill at a very young age, attempting to prove yourself to a father and an elder brother whom you loved.  You practiced it, excelled at it, and one day you were asked to prove yourself to them, and you did."  Laurent's logical speech couldn't mask the pain showing in his eyes.  "You hurt another through your pursuit of that love and approval, and I understand.  A part of me will never...never be able to forget that it was you."  Another tiny, sad smile.  "But I'll warrant that you will never truly forget that Kastor died at my hands, either."

 

That was a tiny lump of painful darkness that Damen had carefully been avoiding.  He swallowed, hard.

 

"I understand you on a level which I hadn't...before.  And even then, I was beginning to understand you.  Damen, I may never be able to make peace with the loss of Auguste.  I feel where he used to be in my life, in my heart."  One pale hand even went up to clutch at Laurent's chest, though Laurent did not seem to notice.  He swallowed as a tear fell from his lashes, glittering like a diamond.  "It is a hole, an emptiness."

 

"Yes," Damen agreed softly, aching to wrap Laurent up in an embrace but staying obediently still.

 

"But you are in no way at fault for the things my uncle did in the absence of my family."  Laurent's forced smile flickered onto his face again, appearing and disappearing just as quickly.  "I understand that most people do not...do the things that he did.  To me."  It was Laurent's turn to swallow forcefully, struggling to keep his typically unshakable composure.  "I understand that most families protect and care for their children, with only their best interests at heart.  It took me a very long time to realize that he did not have mine in his mind at all, let alone in his heart.  He never cared for or about me.  He was a vile man who should never have become Regent; you helped me to remove him from power, and you saved my life, many times over.  I had doubt once that you were a good man...it is long gone."  The hand at Laurent's side slowly reached forward and brushed a curl behind Damen's ear.

 

A pressure, painful and pleasant, welled up in Damen's throat.  "You...you are certain, though?"  When Laurent scowled, he hastened on, raising his hands defensively to ward off anger and additional cuffs upside the head.  "I only want-!  I only want to be sure, Laurent.  I want _you_ to be sure.  I do not want you to stay here out of...out of anything but a true desire to be by my side.  I want nothing more than to unite our kingdoms.  Not because I'm hungry for power or for land...I am not my father, just his son.  I am hungry for  _you._ "  Damen reached up to lace his fingers through Laurent's, olive against porcelain.  "I want to spend my days by your side, I want to be as united and strong as we have proved to be in every adventure...or misadventure."  He couldn't keep a grin from flashing across his face.  "Laurent, I desperately want to be your King.  I desperately want you to be my King.  I want us to be a team, to share power as two ruling people ought to.  I just want to be sure that you want the same."  He turned to kiss the back of Laurent's hand, but his eyes stayed fixed on his lover's.

 

Laurent stared at him for a long moment--a second, a minute, or several of them, Damen wasn't sure--and his heart had almost stopped from overexertion when a slow smile slipped onto Laurent's face.

 

"You want me?" he questioned softly.  "Truly?"  And in that simple question, everything was laid bare, every last insecurity, every thought and feeling that Laurent had had about being unwanted or needed only for his body, the idea that he had somehow expired, that he was unlovable and unloved and alone.

 

The vulnerability of that, of Laurent, had Damen shifting, trying in vain to get closer to him, but Damen grinned again, for Laurent this time, desperate to show him that yes, yes he absolutely did.  Damen felt as if a small sun had taken up residence in his chest, burning and painful yet blindingly beautiful.  "If I have given you an impression to the contrary, I am so very sorry, Laurent.  I do want you, and I will be yours, if only you will settle for me, Prince of Vere."  A long, painfully pregnant moment passed, and then...

 

"You are damaged," Laurent pointed out, glancing at the wound in Damen's side, unable to keep his smile from widening despite the solemnity in his voice.  "As the Prince, I should not accept goods which are not whole and exceedingly expensive."

 

"Of course," Damen conceded.  "But perhaps you might do with me until something better comes along?"  

 

Laurent snorted.  "I suppose I could do that."  And just like that, a happy gleam was back in his eye.  He leaned forward, his free hand (the one  _not_ still tangled with Damen's) coming away from his heart and up to cup Damen's cheek.  Damen was aware of Laurent's golden cuff shining in the sun against his pale skin for just a moment, before his lips were met with perfection and he sagged against the pillows, eyes sliding shut; the weight of the bed altered as Laurent crawled into bed and curled into Damen's side so as to not miss a moment of the kiss which marked the end of their pasts and the beginning of their future.

**Author's Note:**

> I just felt like there was a lot to wade through in this relationship, even after the third book ended. With the revelations about the Regent and Laurent, I didn't think Damen would be able to just let everything go, particularly his own "sins", so here is a very guilty Damen for you guys! I LOVED that Damen checked in with Laurent about his wants and needs, I LOVED that he said "nothing you don't want" to him. I loved their relationship so much I just couldn't wait to write about it. :')


End file.
